It’s a good thing my livelihood doesn’t depend on my writing right now.
Because, I just checked and it’s been four months since I’ve blogged. Probably years since I’ve regularly shared my heart in this space. For a former journalist, that’s HARD to admit. I love to write.
But, I’ve been busy living. Breathing. Changing diapers. Founding businesses. Finding myself. Losing my old self.
My guess is that many of you, my Regular Readers, could say the same thing. Life doesn’t slow down without great intention, and then one must choose carefully what to do in the still moments. In the past couple of years, I have usually chosen to shower. Exercise. Meal prep. Decorate our home. Clean. Lots of things other than writing. My everyday looks nothing like I thought it would 10 years ago.
Yet, in the past several months, I embarked upon a journey to figure out the balance of work and motherhood. To recreate healthy boundaries that I had lost site of. To find healthy outlets for myself as a woman. I set aside much of my entrepreneur work that I had been throwing myself into until the wee hours of the morning and went and got a job making coffee and creating community at Starbucks.
Drive-thru morning tempers and creepy men aside, it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I relearned work/life boundaries. I drank a lot of coffee. I gained new perspective on motherhood, priorities and business goals.
And, I walked away with a few main lessons:
First and foremost, I love being a mama again. I want to wake up with messy-haired babies and go to sleep having tucked them into bed for the umpteenth time. I don’t want to be absent in mind or body from them during these little years for months on end because I’m hustling to reach business goals and ignoring the little people in my care. This will change the direction of our family. If we want to depend solely on David’s income, then that will mean even more lifestyle changes this year. But having chosen motherhood, I actually want to embrace the calling. I regret to say that it has taken me years to be able to mean those words.
Second, I was surprised by how much I enjoyed (and missed) sharing about natural wellness. When I began my small business, I had been using essential oils since I was a kid and pursing natural health alternatives for years, so it was an easy fit. Like putting on a worn pair of yoga pants. But, I had no idea how much I was going to be changed by my study of plant-based living, essential oil uses, sustainable living, and low waste practices. I would consider myself an advocate for these things now, and that is not going to change. As our family steps into this coming season of change, I am choosing to continue to (SLOWLY) build my Young Living wellness business. Perhaps teach/educate/coach only an hour or two a day versus 24/7. Hopefully blog more on wellness and eco-friendly topics because I enjoy it, am passionate about it, and have found my voice in this wellness world. I will continue to use social media to educate my village and glean myself from that same community. But now will NOT be my season to teach classes multiple times a week or check off long lists of business-building activities. My babies will be young for only a brief time. So, join me please on this wellness journey. Realize I will never sell you anything just to make a commission. And there will be lots of grace, laughter, and coffee. Also, I will NOT always respond to messages, questions, and texts. I have better boundaries now.
Third, I care even less what people think about me now. Funny to finally be reaching that point in my 30s, especially as an Enneagram 3. Some of the closest people in my life disagree with some of the decisions are family is making, and I’m not cowed by that as I would have been several years ago. Mind you, I believe strongly in receiving wise counsel, but I also believe in following what your heart tells you. What the Spirit speaks to you in mysteries. What Peace assures you of.
Fourth, I’m not angry anymore. For months, my disgust with the expectations I saw being placed upon career women and mothers had been building into a near riot in my heart. A few close friends got an earful as I processed. There were tirades, let me tell you. Compound that with the fact that for some reason Micah’s traumatic birth came roaring back at me with the fear and powerlessness of those hours in labor. And one of the Little Ones in my life that I can’t claim by blood, but who is nearer to my heart than perhaps any child other than my own has spent much of his short life fighting unknown diagnoses and heart defects. My list of complaints could go on and include situations around me involving abuse, rape, loss of jobs, depression, etc. And I was fed up with this imperfect world that I kept trying to fix and mend and hold and love and care for that just seemed to show me over and over again how inadequate I am and how overwhelmed I am by the weight of it all. Somehow that boiled over as anger. And I found an easy target in God. My idea of Him had failed, and He wasn’t fixing all the things for all of my people. Or any of my people.
I didn’t trust Him. Or like Him. And questioned briefly whether or not I believed in Him.
But all of this is a blog post for the future, so for now let’s just say that I’m not angry anymore. I have found my voice in a new way. And my heart has made decisions for me irregardless of expectations. Also, I DO believe in my Heavenly Father. He is way bigger than my expectations. But I did not reach that decision lightly. To be continued…
And, finally, I am finding my way back to this blog. To writing. To reading. To finding these creative outlets again. I pray my posts inspire bravery in you, inspire you to listen to the slow beatings of your own heart, and perhaps help you laugh – at my tirades, my earnestness and/or my failed DIYs. I hope you pour a cup of coffee, snuggle up in a blanket, change a diaper (if you MUST), and then join me on this journey. But, irregardless, this blog is my expression of art. And I’m ready to create again.
So cheers to everyday motherhood.
And for those of you curious, this shirt was sent to me by another amazing mama in this online village, and I can’t recommend her small shop enough. Check out her story behind her Everyday shirts out on IG @every.day.kay or on her website at www.everydaykayblog.com, and let me know what you think!