To My Husband {Family Letters Part I}


My soul has waited in silence for months now. And that’s unusual for me, as you well know. I have always had words. Even if they aren’t the right words. Or the finished words. There has always still been wordshasz17_162.jpg

To process the joys. To whisper together in my dormitory lobby in the wake of our new love. To vow forever at the marriage alter almost 11 years ago. To plan a move to Colorado. Jobs as teachers. A first townhouse. Financial needs. More schooling for both of us. Church ministry. Words breathed in our mid-20s to begin toying with the idea of children. Words to fill the void when pregnancy didn’t occur. Words to wash away the heartache of loss. Words to surround each other after miscarriages. Words to hope when we saw Abby’s heart fluttering for the first time. Words to decide to leave teaching. Begin my doula business. Go through IVF again and dream of our Lion Baby. Survive a trimester of near hospitalization. Become the Baby+Co birth center manager. Words to process the beauty and trauma of Micah’s birth. Words to love our life, but hate the hours we both worked and the fact that we rarely saw each other or our kids.

And then this summer…words to decide to give-up our dream home contract because of our uneasiness with our job situation. Words to choose our family over my career goals in this season. Words to prioritize an essential oil business for me and a more permanent and sustainable job for you. Words to choose to make time for our community and for serving. Words to choose our family. US. hasz17_165.jpg

View More: More: those are the words that have led us here. This place of stillness. This place of knowing that an out-of-state move is likely for your career to progress. This place of silence. 

I feel my roots pulled up. 

And I search. 

For a place to call home. 

For who we are and will become. hasz17_151.jpg

hasz17_153.jpgIt’s October, and I don’t know where we will spend the holidays. But, I know that I will spend it with my most important people: YOU, Abby, and Micah. We may be in a hotel room somewhere or a new house or a family’s living room. We may be with friends or just us, but there will be sacred communion. And I treasure that. YOU. US. Our two miracle babies. hasz17_157.jpg

My heart aches with the unknown. My eyes have cried their tears. My dearest friends hold these unknowns with me, and we wait. We linger a bit longer with goodbyes. We sip our coffee more slowly together. We hash out life. We have our fights. We pray for one another in the shower when we find a few moments of solitude. We make plans for cross country road trips. And then we pretend that the move won’t happen. hasz17_175.jpg

hasz17_173.jpgSometimes, there really aren’t words. 

Until now, I didn’t know. Truly, I didn’t. Who could have explained to this former journalist that sometimes your soul refuses to verbalize the deluge, and you can’t craft a headline to save your life? But, sit in quiet? Now that’s healing. It’s strength. Hope. In the being.     

In these moments and through these days, I have never been more committed to stand by your side as your wife. You have held my anger and been a buffer for my disappointment. You have prayed for an open door, but continued to steadfastly apply yourself in a job that requires hour-long commutes and monotonous assignments. You let me rail. Given me space for my silence. You send me on coffee dates with friends when there ain’t no way you should be the recipient of my verbal processing a precious second longer. hasz17_125.jpg

Most nights we simply collapse in bed together and hope that my stretches will last at least several hours before needing to feed/soothe Micah again. I give you the “look” if you dare to mention how tired you are, and you ignore what I spend on drive-thru coffee. Thank you. We will chalk that up to the “Little Years.” hasz17_109.jpg

And, so this Autumn while the leaves change colors and festoon still-green lawns, I’m believing with you that we are choosing what is good, eternal, and life-giving. I’m learning to love you all over again. 

And, for the record, I want one heck of a vacation when this is all over. 😉

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{Family photography by Haven: Life & Photo}

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