Darkness cloaked the world outside my in-law’s house, as I rose to make a cup of coffee, rock Micah back to sleep, and open my journal for one of the first times in a year. The fans in my upstairs bedroom added a new level of white noise, as we combat the heat of July in Denver.
Those same fans fill my senses now with their whirring. Whooshing. Spinning. Enveloping me with a sense of companionship in this journey. It is dark outside the glass panes once again.
The intensity of the last week of moving out of our rental house and moving in with my incredible in-laws wanes. The boxes are mostly stored. The laundry primarily sorted. The toys strewn hither and thither in regular Abby-fashion. I’ve been welcomed home by our family – a rare gift in this generation.
And, now, we wait.
An exhausted pause.
Motherhood continues to burst upon me in fulfilling – overwhelming – breathtakingly beautiful terms. I became a mama of two and a full-time practice manager in the span of a mere 12 months. The ache of not being home with my babies and the joy in serving my colleagues war with each other. For this season, my babies and my husband and my own health take precedence. But, I haven’t lost my passion for empowering women and midwives in the birth center setting. I’m simply resting in the PAUSE to see how those dreams take new shape. I’m actively healing. I’m seeking to empower. I’m reasoning with Abby and cuddling with Micah. I’m cooking with David and making coffee dates with friends. I’m serving as a birth doula and setting my own business goals. I want to see and love the world beyond my world. And, I want to find financial freedom to bless my family and bless my community. I want to hear other’s dreams and sit in the power of others’ goals and visions and desires. I want to hold the space for YOU as you launch into new adventures or take solace from the old ones.
One of the little boys that I just about claim as my own since the time he could barely crawl is embarking upon first grade in a few short weeks. His curiosity and brilliance leave me in awe of our Creator and His specific design with this little-boy-turning-man. I love his mama, and I love his family, and this young man is always a reminder to me that God gives good gifts. That time is precious. That we are always caring for and equipping the next generation. Always.
In this pregnant pause, I wait to see what will be birthed. I wait to see how I am supposed to equip the next generation in this new season. How am I to serve? How can I love? How can I heal and be healed? My focus has honed to an energetic three-year-old who needs her mama and an almost-mobile baby who needs my time. But, I pray my vision grows wider. To what could be if I look beyond the circumstances and glimpsed eternity. I sit in curiosity.
For the next several months, our family is resting with family while we re-evaluate, apply for new opportunities, and test the limits of our faith. I’ve dealt with much anger already at what is, and I’m sure I will continue to have my days. Be patient with me. And, in the meantime, let’s get coffee. Let’s do dinner. Let’s go to the zoo and make Abby’s heart immensely happy.
Darkness continues to shade the future. Distant cliffs loom large. The path ahead appears to have a dead-end. Yet, I believe in the gentle whispers of my Savior. I believe in the power of community. I also believe in the strength of dreams.
So, dream on tonight with me. Dream of strength and peace and patience and joy and provision and health and light. Stand strong in your truth. Drink your coffee strong. (Join me for a Whole 30 challenge if you dare and think of many yiddish ways to ruefully regret that decision while banning chocolate and bread for 30 days…Oy Vey.) Join me in a journey to improve your health, your family’s health, and your community’s health.
Join me in the darkness. Walk with me in the light. Listen to the fans whirring. Heed the chorus of questions that clamor for answers, but have none. And let us learn to live in the power of “not knowing.” In the power of the valley between mountains in the stillness and in the storm. Grow with me in this pregnant pause.