More Than a Baby Update {The Stirrings of My Tired Heart}

In the jumble of diaper blowouts and feedings every 2-3 hours…in the confusion of swaddle or no swaddle, schedule or no schedule…in the tears of long nights and in the multiple coffee cups of early mornings…my soul is stretching.

My tired heart is stirring with things old and things new, emotions welcome and emotions feared, worries voiced and unvoiced.

Abigail Nichelle arrived in all her screaming glory in early April – just as the springtime buds were making themselves known – and I realized then and there that I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I don’t know how to be a mother. I don’t know a thing about diaper creams when it comes to my own crying baby or a notion about how to incorporate peace into 24-hour periods gone haywire. Days and nights blur together right now.

I love being a mother, but I’ve never been so terrified in my life.

I. Hold. Another’s. Destiny. In. My. Tired. Arms.

And, I am undone.

When I look back on this season, what will I remember? Will I remember Jesus? Will I have looked to Him in my uncertainty? Will I remember my husband David? Will I have leaned on him and prayed with him and cried with him and laughed with him? Will I remember motherhood? Will I have relished nursing and burping and bathing – all in a fog of sleep deprivation and postpartum hormones?

This morning I ask myself these questions, and I truly don’t know the answers.

I want to say that I loved deeply, lavishly.

I want to say that I let the little things – like showers and schedules – go and just delighted in baby smiles and tiny toes.

I want to say that I learned to be a wife just as much as I learned to be a mother. A shifting role in a shifting season.

I want to say that I allowed the stirrings of my soul to transform me more closely into the image of my Heavenly Father. That I developed patience, peace, and purpose even when sleep was a distant memory.

These are the things that I want to say. But, there is no assurance right now.

I’m tired and clueless. I’m worn down and poured out. Yet…I’m filled up each time she grins up at me. I’m a mushy mess when she buries her face in my neck and calms her rapid breathing. I’m grateful for the miracle of Abby and grateful for all of the people who are holding up my head, holding up my heart, and holding up my hands in this new season of soul stirring.

Abby has changed my world, and I don’t recognize its new shape. It’s a new, soggy, milk-stained, poop-splattered, sleep-deprived, coffee-filled, lovely shape.

But, I’m learning.

8 thoughts on “More Than a Baby Update {The Stirrings of My Tired Heart}

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  1. Oh I am so right there with you!! It helps to have a friend who’s going through the same so that you know that you’re not the only one who’s not sleeping much! I’m trying to figure my way through this wonderful and confusing motherhood thing too. 🙂

    1. It is quite the journey. In one moment you want to cry and in the next you are smiling with their charming grins. And, yes, I love that we are walking together through these sleepless nights and muddling our way through new motherhood together!

  2. It’s overwhelming and terrifying, but, with some distance from the worst of the first few weeks, I can see the beauty of that blurry glow as I learned to be a mother. You expressed it perfectly. Congratulations!

  3. Lauren,
    First I would like to say that in a round about way, I know you. We have met before. Your husband plays football with Dave and Luke Z when he still lived in good ol CO. My husband Troy plays with them as well. Go broncos. 😉
    Any who, I am Megan and I was introduced to your beautiful blog by Angie Burgess. Let me just say that this post is perfect.
    My daughter is almost 19 months and I am still trying to figure out this new shape my life is forming into. Motherhood is a constant, messy and an undoubtedly beautiful journey.
    You are doing an extraordinary job.
    Prayers for you as you continue to embark on this lovely adventure.

    1. Thank you so much for your prayers! Perhaps we will meet again as football continues and our little girls grow up 🙂 Your words have encouraged me so much this afternoon. It is nice to feel that my “mutterings” are making a difference and being heard 🙂 I love being a mom…but it is so challenging and terrifying and wonderful! Blessings, Lauren

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