You are growing up so fast. Each day more of your personality emerges. Each day you change and keep my world spinning. You “chirp” in your sleep, as your Daddy so eloquently dubbed your baby noises. You’ve been on two frozen yogurt date nights and assisted your parents in experiencing their first official diaper blowout. Thanks for that. Due to our marathon nursing/feeding/pumping sessions, I’m making my way through Netflix TV series like they are going out of style. Currently, I’m in Season Two of the “West Wing.” Political sarcasm and burping sessions seem to go well together. Don’t ask me why.
I sit here watching you sleep. You are smiling and stretching…probably dreaming of milk. I still revel in your presence. You curl your face into mine. You sleep cuddled with me at night (since your Rock N’ Play is clearly too lonely). You grin when I cover your face with kisses. You are exhausting and exhilarating. And, I am your Mama.
This weekend is Mother’s Day. My first time not to dread this day for the past many years. Last year, I was grieving a miscarriage and the death of your Grandpa Bill. I didn’t go to church. I didn’t acknowledge the celebrations all around me. My heart hurt too badly. Part of me doesn’t feel part of this year’s memorial. Like I don’t quite belong yet. I admit…I am healing from the wounds of infertility, but I am not yet whole. I still wonder what it might take to give you a brother or a sister one day. To my dear sisters walking the road of infertility, I know your pain. I also know that nothing I say or write will make it better. May you be comforted wherever and however you choose to spend this day.
This weekend, I can’t allow myself to dwell on the “what ifs” or the pain of the past. This weekend, I need to rest in the redemption of years of tears and heartache. I need to rest in the wiggly warmth of your little self. I need to rest in the perfect timing of your birth. My Redeemer is making all things new. All things beautiful.
Your Daddy gave me a precious necklace on the day of your birth and brought me sunflowers yesterday. All little ways to celebrate the advent of our parenthood. This weekend, weather permitting, we are going to introduce you to friends at church and perhaps also enjoy Mommy’s favorite breakfast restaurant – Snooze Cafe. For the next two weeks, your Daddy will be in California for an engineering class, and I will be finishing out the school year with my students. I’m terrified, but we can do it. One day at a time. Because that is what families do. We will Skype with your Daddy, and I will hurry home from work every day to cuddle with you. But, oh, I will miss you!
I love you so much, Chickadee.