Mama is so tired this week, Chickadee. Daddy, too. Sometimes, I’m so sleepy in the middle of the night that I seriously consider the consequences of skipping a pumping session. However, your cries and my uncomfortable state have so far kept the milk coming. You’ve begun to nurse more exclusively this week, especially during the day, but you still can’t latch without a shield. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to keep you happy, fed, fat, and content, but I’m looking forward to the day when feeding you doesn’t involve so many contraptions.
I’m terrified of going back to work in a week. You are still so little. We are still so new to nursing and sleeping and waking and pooping. There isn’t a rhythm to our days or nights yet, and somehow I’m going to have to leave you for two weeks to teach. Your Yaya will hold you every minute of the mornings I am away, but it is still not the same. I want to be there to witness your every breathe and your every expression. I want to see all your “firsts” and be amazed at how rapidly you change from day to day. Even the thought of leaving the house is daunting. Currently, it is a monumental effort to go grocery shopping or grab a coffee, and in a week I’m going to have to arrive in my classroom, semi-put together, and awake enough to teach and love on my fabulous students. Financially and logistically, returning to work is the decision that our family needs to make and you will be just fine with your grandma, but I’m so sad that it is necessary. You have become my whole world.
At your 4-week doctor’s appointment this week, you were dubbed an “over-achiever.” I’m not surprised. You’ve been gaining about 1.5 ounces a day, and now weigh 6 pounds, 7 ounces. You are 19.5 inches long and fitting into more and more of your newborn outfits. More than anything, you have “woken up” this week. All of the sudden, your eyes stare wide and open at objects and people around you. You turn your head and focus on sounds and sights. It’s a bit overwhelming for your little system. Not only did you have a growth spurt (complete with at least 48 hours of cluster feedings), but you have worked yourself into a tizzy several times with all of the new sensations. Mama hates the sounds of your angry cries when this has happened and feels at a loss as to how to comfort you. No surprise, you find the comfort of your Daddy’s arms very calming and comforting. He has been your Rescuer the past two days when the colors and noise were just too much.
I’m too sleepy to remember much more from this week. I took several showers (score!) and have clean clothes going into this next week (a miracle). I love every little thing about you. I love the way you pucker your lips when you are hungry. I love the way you “squeak” in your sleep. I love the way you have begun to focus on my face and turn your head to the sound of your Daddy’s voice. I love the neck rolls you are developing and all the milk that I find dried there.
You are just perfect.