The Week You Fall Apart {Week 25 Confessions}

I don’t know if there is a week of pregnancy that one’s baby app on their phone should alert them (and their husband) that the week of meltdown has arrived. “Be prepared for a wild spectrum of emotions, worries, and joys. Be prepared to come unglued.”

If there isn’t such an update, then there should be. Soon.

Week 25 of pregnancy has hit me like a pile of rocks, a lead balloon, a Texas downpour, a Kansas blizzard…okay, you probably get the picture.

Abby has done some pretty amazing things this week. She has graduated from simple movement to gargantuan rolls and kicks that take my entire belly with their undulations. She performed for her daddy, keeping up a rather regular kicking war as he poked and she responded. I stared in fascination as my belly button was pushed in and out.

I’m also reaching a new limit to my energy – physically and emotionally. My body is stretching again to accompany an assumed growth spurt, and I’m exhausted. I’m sure my two weeks of non-stop travel didn’t help, but I can’t seem to catch up right now. My mind is spinning a million miles an hour. Yesterday, I left my classroom (no students present) and took a walk through the halls, nearly in tears. Wanting to sob out my exhaustion and…disappointment…

I wanted to revel in each day of this miracle pregnancy. But, I’m too busy. Busy with good things. K-12 curriculum development. Teaching 7th grade social studies. Maintaining (or failing to maintain) friendships. But, busy nonetheless.

Now, the third trimester is almost upon me, and I don’t want it to end. What have I already let slip through my fingers? I have barely acknowledged several dear friends (several of whom are also pregnant), and for that I am deeply sorrowful. I have not been seeking the Lord’s Presence the way I desired to do, and for that I am more spiritually worn down than I should be. I haven’t read the labor and delivery books, the pregnancy books, the baby care books…I haven’t even cracked “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” I fall asleep too quickly or allow my worries to spin ’round and ’round.

Yesterday, the s*** hit the fan. I didn’t explode on anyone (thank goodness), but my heart gave a giant leap and collapsed. I’m tired, overjoyed, overwhelmed, weary, silly-happy, stressed.

In gasps and phrases that didn’t quite tie together, I asked the Lord for trust. Now, I ask for His presence. I’m not done wrestling this week, but at least I’ve acknowledge the war.

Today, I’m committing to rest. Even if I have to remind myself of that every hour while the class bells ring and the students storm and the worries don’t solve themselves. Rest.

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