Charlie Brown’s Christmas’ “O Tannenbaum” serenades my efforts to celebrate all that is precious, good, and . . . alive.
A frothy espresso rewards my nearly all-day cleaning and decorating efforts. Laundry done. Sheets and towels washed. Every inch of bathroom and bedroom cleaned and dusted. Christmas decorations dug out of storage and festooning “my space” in the two rooms of my in-law’s house that I call mine. I’ve created a cozy get-away. Two rooms where I can cry, dance, be real, read, cuddle, make love, and fall on my knees. A haven where I find myself.
Golden stars and glowing ornaments hang from a ledge above my bathroom mirror, glittering in the waning light. Multiple windows show rooftops growing white with falling snow. Garlands and candles wrap around my deep tub.
David walks in, sees me sitting cross-legged on our bed, surveys the transformed scene around him. I look up with tears in my eyes and a smile on my lips. “I know,” he agrees. “Strangely enough, you are more okay than you have been in years.”
Yes, yes I am. I am more in love with my Savior than I have been since a dear friend was raped nearly 3 years ago. I trust Him more than I have since I was told over a year ago that it would take a miracle for me to conceive.
My friend still aches, reeling from the havoc that has ensued in her life. My heart still grieves, hurting with the barrenness caused by years of trying and failing.
But, He is still good. My Savior is still very alive. And, He lives in me.
He carried me this week. I can only ask that He continues to do so. I am in need of my Heavenly Daddy in a new way. A surrendered way. A joyful way. An eyes-wide-open way.
November may be deemed a bit early to decorate for Christmas. But, I dare you to decorate. If not your surroundings, then decorate your heart. While, baby, it may be cold outside, the warmth of Christ’s love can penetrate even the worst of pain.
He has been there. He’s still here. He will never leave nor forsake His children. After this week of cramping, bleeding, and grieving, I still believe with all of my heart – it doesn’t have to stay cold inside.