When the Giver overwhelms

Since I spend so much time publicly doubting on this blog, publicly questioning the Holy, then it is only right that I also spent time repenting, healing, answering my Savior, “Yes.”

Sometimes the Giver just overwhelms…and sometimes I am overwhelmed by my fragile, broken humanity. 

I’ve doubted this week. Some days I’ve not even wanted to pray for miracles as I committed to do with my church during this month of October. I was wrong.

My anger was uncalled for. My jealousy unappealing. My disbelief crippling.

And, I’ve been convicted by snowfall. The first Denver snow of the year. Fluttering around my windows. Coating the bushes. Causing me to pull on socks and tie on a robe before venturing to the kitchen.

Several days ago, when the possibility of a light snow on Saturday was mentioned by weather forecasters, the Texas-girl in me began to secretly long for and rejoice at the possibility of such a weather fluctuation before I left for Houston on Sunday. I admit. I’m still naive. Still from the South. I still love the first snow…and I thought I might miss it. “Surely,” I thought, “during the two and a half weeks that I’m in Texas in October, I will miss some of my favorite times of the year!”

And, God heard even that small request. I jumped out of bed this morning (accidentally) an hour early, sure that my alarm had gone off a long time ago, and that I was running the risk of being late for work. By the time my mistake was realized, the sink water was already heating to wash my face, and I had already “committed” to the day.

Then I looked outside. Snow. On Friday. Unexpected. Unpredicted. The first snow of the year.

I. Am. So. Loved.

Despite myself. Because of Him. I doubt, and He assures. I run, and He chases. I close my heart in anger, and He offers hope again.

Somethings are more beautiful than words, more soothing than lullabies. This morning, I seek one of those things – forgiveness.

As I give thanks for three things “returned” today (See my Crazy Joy Dare), I pour out praise for three things that I was going to return to the Lord that I now cling to again with ferocious desire.

The uncertainty of my trip to Houston. Will my body respond to the treatment? Will life be formed? “I believe, Lord! Help my unbelief!”

The preciousness of David’s love. I’ve been angry at his logic, his matter-of-fact way of processing life. How wrong I was to refuse this gift!

Prayers for miracles. Faith. Tenacity. Heavenward focus during a life on earth. Passion.

I choose again to repent, invest my all, and throw myself into the arms of the Giver. He. Gives. Good. Gifts. 

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