Something other than graduate school

As the days of Spring give way to the days of Summer, I am continually grateful that I decided NOT to accept another summer job this year. Although I will not go into detail regarding the specific situations, graduate school has been consuming my hours, eating away at any time that would have been reserved for laying out on our deck or curling up with a good book. Due to the poor nature of my graduate university’s organization, I am learning many lessons from my professors in unprofessionalism and terrible teaching. It’s been quite disgusting. Infuriating, really.

On a slightly different note, this morning I am endeavoring to write something other than Capstone lesson plans or literary analysis papers. I am writing for me. Writing from all of the pent-up emotions conflicting in my heart.

God has taught me so much in the past two weeks. Taught me to make memories in the “meantimes” of life when “waiting” seems to be the most expected life circumstance. Taught me to cast my nets back in the sea like Simon Peter even when I have been toiling all night and catching nothing.

Yet, it has been a struggle. This season is not one that makes it easy to pray, easy to read my Bible, easy to praise. I need to run into the arms of Jesus. But, I often don’t. I hurt. Deep down where family disappointments and personal physical disappointments reside, I often find my pain simmering. Despite everything good, sometimes I want perfect. Now. Perfect relationships with my sisters. Perfect healing in my body. Perfect financial circumstances. Now.

Then, I am awakened by this text from my mother at 6:17 a.m.:

“God carefully puts His word into our lives to provoke us to look at Him. We often get distracted by His Hand, wondering what He is doing. But, He wants us to look Him in the eyes – talk with Him, be with Him. We belong with Him.”

Do you know that when you look someone in the eyes, you see through all the facades and stare at the roiling emotions hidden beneath? You also see the goodness. The grace. The love. The forgiveness. The healing power.

When we look our Heavenly Father in the eyes, we see our own redemption, His favor, mercy unending and new every morning. We see glimpses of the future. And it is good.

Why? Because we belong with Him.

We belong with the Maker of the Universe, the one who set every star in its place and yet has all of our hairs numbered.

I am often distracted by His Hand and too apathetic to seek His will. Yet, still, I am His. His beloved. The one He calls lovely. Chosen. Daughter. Mother. Sister. Friend. Wife. Perfect. Now.

I need Him. With all of my being, I need Him. I.CAN’T.DO.LIFE.ON.MY.OWN. I am in need of a Savior.

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