Sometimes it is nice to pretend that everything is okay. It is in one of these frame’s of mind that you remind yourself that the circumstances could be a lot worse, and really you have so much to be grateful for. Guilt sets in that you would even contemplate complaining. Don’t you know that millions of people would love to live where you do, eat what you do, enjoy the luxuries that you do? And, so you pretend. You keep living and eating and enjoying. You walk around like there wasn’t a gaping hole in your heart, like there wasn’t sickness in your body, in your family.
This type of pretending is not all bad. Matter of fact, it can be quite encouraging at times. But, not all the time.
Not when you wake up so nauseous morning after morning due to the latest medical treatment being tried . . .
Not when you feel so tired even after sleeping through the night that you want to just watch TV from bed all day . . .
Not when coffee turns your stomach, as does most of the foods you had previously enjoyed . . .
Not when you are so lightheaded and dizzy that you fall up the stairs at work . . .
Not when you miss your mom, your sisters . . .
Not when you can’t imagine going to church on Mother’s Day because the ache of emptiness and longing is so strong . . .
Pretending becomes more challenging in these situations. I couldn’t pretend this morning. Not with you. Not with myself.
Yet, I’m attempting to live. I pulled myself out of bed despite the waves of nauseousness that wrapped themselves around my equilibrium. Dressed for a light, brief jog. Ipod buds in my ears and Colorado Rockies on the horizon, worshipped with all of my being. Made breakfast, wondering if I would be able to eat. Looked longingly at the coffee pot, but thought better of it.
Thanked God that He never changes. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Not today when I want to pretend.
I ate breakfast without hurling. We are off to a good start.