It’s time to tell the truth.
Tonight, I feel the need to share the disappointment that is heavy on my heart. Maybe my yearnings and strivings will bring awareness and comfort to someone else. More than likely, however, I just need an outlet to openly wrestle with the circumstances in my life.
“Why?” I ask myself, “Must you focus on this one tiny little part of your heart that hurts when so much in your life is blessed beyond description?” No clear answer rises to surface. No easy band-aid makes itself apparent.
First, though . . . I must remember the good. I am head-over-heels in love with my husband, and, better yet, he is in love with me. My family could not be more supportive and downright amazing. Friends steadfastly stand with me, laugh with me, cry with me. Matter of fact, I recently returned from a delicious walk with a friend around a nearby pond. Golden leaves fell like snowflakes around us, as we chatted and soaked in the warm autumn sun. Life is good, precious even.
Yet, in guilt, I admit that all is not at peace in my heart. I just found out that another recently-married acquaintance is pregnant . . . by “accident.” The revelation, while thrilling, is also a reminder of my own treasured dream, yet to be fulfilled. It angers me that the blessed gift of a new baby would stir up anything in my heart except for joy. I am wrong, but for now I am also honest. It hurts. My heart hurts.
I’m not pregnant. May never be according to some in the medical world.
However, I will not give up hope. Prayers for a miracle regularly ascend to Heaven. Isn’t every pregnancy, every creation of new life, a miracle anyway? My Heavenly Daddy has never told me “No” in response to this cry. Rather, He has always gently – and sometimes not so gently – reminded me of His promises, as He is doing right now as I type. His thoughts and plans for me are for my good. He makes all things beautiful in His time. He sends His word and heals all my diseases. He is the God that loves me with an everlasting love. He calms the storm, so that its wave are still. He satisfies the longing soul and fills the hungry with good things. He gives good gifts to His children.
Tears well up in my eyes, as I am overwhelmed once again by the faithfulness of my Savior. When I am weak, then He is strong. When I am strong, then He is even stronger. It is time to not only tell the truth, but also climb up into the lap of the ultimate Truth Giver. It is time to build my faith on the One who never disappoints and never goes back on His promises.
It is just the waiting that is so hard . . .
If you have made it this far in this post, then I thank you. I pray that if your heart hurts over any disappointment – big or small – that you would be able to find solace in the arms of Jesus tonight. In the good things around you. In the laughter of friends. In the love of family. In the blessed hope that we have in Christ.
Please leave me a comment if you too have a prayer request that I can include in my talks with my Heavenly Father. I’ve been honest tonight, but I want to also keep the focus off of myself. Please do not lose hope in my ramblings, but rather be filled with peace by the same promises that are a balm to my heart. I’m not giving up. Neither should you.
acupofbliss 
I am a firm believer that it is OK to be honest and OK to be real. Sometimes it seems so unfair that something your heart desires is so “accidentaly” given to someone else. But you are right, that God has a plan and God gives good gifts to his children. Continue holding on to that promise. It IS the waiting that is so hard, but keep hope. I know several who were in your place who have, in time, been blessed with the desires of their heart.
Thank you so much for affirming the words that I felt I had to write tonight. It is a heartache that some days feel overwhelming. It keeps me running to Christ on a regular basis. Authenticity brings humility . . . and joy. Thank you again. Blessings.
Dear Sweet Friend,
I understand your heart more than you know. Many years ago I was the only married woman in our group of friends that wanted desperately to be pregnant but wasn’t. I cried monthly for a few years when I would realize again and again that I wasn’t and may never be pregnant. I still hate Mother’s Day….not because of my hurt but because I know what it does to hurting women everywhere.
After months of humiliating tests my OB/GYN finally said there was no medical reason I wasn’t pregnant but I would probably never have a biological child and should consider adoption. One month later I heard God speak that it was time and sure enough I was pregnant. Dallas is now almost 32 years old but I still hurt for women in that position.
I am praying for pregnancy for you. I am convinced you will not be forever without a child.
I love you and look forward to the day I can sit and watch you smile while admiring your child.
Ms. Teresa,
I had no idea that you had walked a similar road. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It is one of those heartaches that doesn’t make any sense to me. At the same time, I am learning to trust in HIS timing. I love you so much and am so grateful for your note!
~Lauren
Sweet friend, thank you for sharing this tonight. I pray for you often, and you’ll always have a very special place in my heart. I’m praying for you and WITH you, that Jesus will continue to show Himself faithful in the midst of your pain and confusion. Please don’t hesitate to text or call anytime you need to talk or need someone to pray with you. I love you.
Thank you so much. I know that I am not alone . . . certainly not alone in waiting to see the fulfillment of one of God’s promises. I love you so much. Your words of encouragement meen more than I can describe. Love you!
At one point in my life, I desperately wanted to get married but I felt like God was telling me to do mission work. I remember sitting in my little house in Brazil, swinging in my hammock/bed, thinking, “Okay, God, what now?”
And God very clearly gave me these words that I wrote in the front of my Bible and clung to for the next six months.
“I’m the God of the impossible and what I want to do in you, is take this impossible dream and make it- an impossible dream come true.”
Then, out of the blue, when I was home for a funeral in the middle of my assignment, a man showed up- won my heart, fulfilled every promise God had given me about my husband, and married me four months after I returned from Brazil. Something that was “Impossible”.
He’s the same God, whether dealing with husband dreams, baby dreams, friendship dreams, redemption, joy, heartache… doesn’t matter. He’s the God of the Impossible.
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I have been overwhelmed by the incredible support that readers have offered today. May the Lord continue to bless you . . . as we continue to expect the impossible 🙂
Lauren,
Thank you for sharing your heart. I just wanted to say that I was so encouraged and comforted by your words and though I don’t know you well I have been so blessed by you all the same. You will definitely be in my prayers, thank you for yet another reminder of the Father’s faithfulness in the midst of the painful roads we find ourselves walking.
Thank you for your encouragement. I hoped my post would not discourage anyone, but rather reveal that God is still faithful in the midst of my hurt and confusion. You are an amazing woman, and one that I truly admire! Blessings.
hello sweet friend. catching up on your posts and loving hearing your heart as always. i miss hearing it in person but know that i pray for you and think of you daily, in this journey especially. All I can say is that I agree with what has been said here and I know that your mother’s heart will not go to waste. God gave you the heart to be a mother and he will be faithful to use that heart to bless a beautiful child. love you.